The Irony of the Indian “Science of Architecture”!

While studying a five year course in architecture I dint know that VASTU played such a major role in Indian Architecture, especially while designing residences, you can be sure of joining a mental hospital or vanish into deep forests in search of peace , before completing the project.

For all those who heard the term “VASTU” for the very first time , its a science used in designing spaces is what I was told, its a belief that cannot be altered is what I have experienced.

TO KNOW HOW IMPORTANT VASTU IS FOR INDIAN CLIENTS, WHILE DESIGNING A RESIDENCE , LOOK BELOW.

1. KITCHEN : It has to be in the south east direction if not, if not ? what if not ? there is no if not . If we suggest an alternative, the clients say “ my uncle’s , daughter’s , husband’s , colleague’s son failed in all his exams in his school because their kitchen was not in the south east.

2. MASTER BEDROOM : Apparently the master of the house has to be in the south west zone. That means if a dog or a cat starts to sleep in the south west corner it becomes the master of the house. The master bedroom has to be larger than any other bedroom , even if it is by 3/4 inch or 1/10 inch , or else their bank balance will disappear with out notice. You sure don’t want that to happen.

3. COMMODE SHOULD FACE NORTH OR SOUTH , NOT EAST , NO WAY EAST !! : Apparently while crapping you have to make sure that you don’t expose your private parts to the sun, because while he is traveling from east to west he notes down all those people who are showing their butts to him and gets offended . I have several questions related to this . What if you are lost in the forest and you have to crap ? How does one manage while taking bath ? May be we should carry a compass for the right direction . Also carry some extra to distribute it to others. After all you don’t want to piss off the sun god. You might have to live in darkness for the rest of your life.

4. NORTH EAST COLUMN/PILLAR : No matter what the design is, or how the structure flows , the north east corner of the site is dug out and sprayed with rice grains , so that the column there grows stronger . If that’s not done then consider your building to collapse, even if a column is not required there, it is mandatory to satisfy the ground with a dummy column there. From next time I will make sure to include some Complan & Boost powder so that the column grows stronger.

5. SOUTH HIGHER THAN NORTH : The south zone has to be higher than north , that means if some one tall like Michael Jordon comes to your house make sure he sits only in the south zone , or else the client’s daughter will have an abortion (who is four years by the way) . You will have to consider this even if you don’t have kids, oh! sorry you don’t have kids ? it must be because your south zone is lower than North zone.

6. OPENINGS : The number of doors, windows,ventilators and any other openings should be even, if they are odd in number, add an extra opening (a dummy ). Purpose? what purpose? they are an odd number can’t you see.  P.S. The number 10 is not considered even, it ends with a zero, you see.

7. YOUR HEAD SHOULD FACE SOUTH WHILE SLEEPING : According to hindu mythology “ Lord Ganesha’s” head was beheaded and replaced by an elephant’s head because he wasn’t sleeping in the south. Be careful guys, your spouse might freak out seeing you with some other head early in the morning. You might have to change all your identity proofs and convince everyone at your workplace , friends & relatives.That means if you are travelling in a sleeper bus, have a radar which tells you which direction you are sleeping in so that you can wake up and sit, when its shifting from south. You don’t want to be surprised with a goat or a mouse head while looking into the mirror.

Most of the times, the neighbours or relatives play a very critical role in design process. It’s their experience which gives design solutions. If a neighbour says the kitchen HOB should not be in south, immediately run and shift it before something goes wrong.

There is a high chance that you might die with an accident or catch a deadly disease , your daughter or son might elope or remain unmarried ,your teenager might develop some bad habits, you might have eating disorders, you might lose your job and get fired, you might lose your mind or hair, your husband or wife might be having an affair, you might be spending too much money, you might become lazy, drink less water, lose your appetite,have obesity issues, and a LOT ,LOT , LOT MORE..!!

P.S . I thank all the vastu pandits for teaching me the importance of vastu and giving me this opportunity to save mankind. Adios..!! everyone, don’t forget to follow these rules to live a wonderful life..:P:P

Originally posted on Just a Dreamer